Fox and Wolf: After Game Night
--
CW: Discussion of shame and DID
!@#$, I still have DID.
I mean. Like: Treatment can help, but this condition can’t be cured. -Lily
I don’t like that you had to get me home.
I didn’t have to. I chose to because getting a ride would have made you feel like a burden. -Lily
I don’t like this. I don’t like this at all. She saw right through me. I hate that. They all saw right through me.
You got triggered, someone else got triggered, they said they weren’t fine. And you froze light a deer in the headlights and when asked, only unfroze long enough to lie and say you were fine. -Lily
Why couldn’t they have just /let me/ lie about being fine.
Because they care about you? -Lily
I screwed up.
You’re drunk. -Lily
/I screwed up/.
Again, you’re drunk. -Lily
And how aren’t you?!?
Only cool superpower we get from DID. Some people have different allergies and hand dominance, we get drunk differently. Although personally, I think that being able to view things from such different perspectives is and of itself a superpower. -Lily
Says the one who always gets things perfect.
No, that’s not true. I screw up too. Or rather, I don’t always live up to my own expectations. I just fall with the punches and handle it in a different way. -Lily
I’m so ashamed and embarrassed. I had to talk about REDACTED. I hate talking about REDACTED.
I mean. you’re sort of outing yourself there. -Lily
Leave me out of this -REDACTED
See, even she doesn’t want anything to do with me.
Nope, just mad at how unforgiving you’re being with yourself right now. -REDACTED
Neither of you know the shame of this.
I mean, yes we do, we are also you. -Lily
I just. I had to tell them about REDACTED. I would have rather continued freezing up, I would have rather had a psychogenic seizure or a flashback rather than “I’m drunk and just got triggered I need to be the cartoon cat who deals with trauma”.
It’s embarrassing. It’s humiliating. I hate it. I hate it I hate it I hate it. I don’t understand why I can’t just not screw up. I’ve been off base every Saturday.
You’re triggered, drunk, and judging yourself. -Lily
Ugh you’re so frustratingly perfect.
But I’m not, I just handle it a different way. -Lily
This sucks and I hate it.
What are you trying to learn from it by talking it out publicly -Lily
I guess, I’m trying to figure out why being multiple and getting triggered made me so dang ashamed tonight when there was both another multiple person there tonight and someone else got triggered.
Because you’re worried about your condition hurting those you love? -Lily
Well no duh.
I don’t think you should be. -Lily
It’s a lot to keep up with it.
“We have found that honesty is the best policy in situations like this, rather than hiding how we are doing.” -Lily
You quoted Alpha, that’s not fair. Quoting Alpha is not fair!
It’s fair game. Look, I’ll ask Her. -Lily
Messaging Alpha is definitely- ugh, fine!
I’m sorry, I couldn’t resist. -Lily
I don’t understand how some people do this. I don’t get it.
Yeah it’s probably pretty hard when you’re trying not to be yourself. -Lily
Oh what so I should just go back to having different name tags for each of us and everyone has to spend a huge amount of spoons on it all until someone inevitably makes the joke about how there’s too many of us?
No. You just. When this happens. Look, what was the arc tonight about, what made it so dang uncomfortable? -Lily
How uncomfortable the captain was. How ashamed. How.
Oh my god. I’m acting like that.
I’m acting like that.
Yeah, you are. -Lily
I don’t know why I'm acting like that. I trust these people more than anyone else in the world, why am I trying so hard to be perfect, to not screw this up?
Because you’re afraid of losing them. -Lily
I. I don’t even know that i just. I don’t even think it’s that I’m just. Lily I don’t know how to be me. I don’t know how to be me around family. I really don’t. I know how to be perfect around family, or at least I did. I don’t know how to be me around family.
I think it starts by letting yourself be vulnerable around family. It starts by telling the truth. -Lily
Vek!
Fox and Wolf is an experiential journaling and blogging experience by Alexandria Christina Leal and company (The Unity System). Other entries can be navigated to via our writing website. Normally, we give speeches, but during 2020 we decided to do something different and this blog was the result. Interested in learning more about our speeches and consulting? Visit https://www.binaryvixen.online/ on the world wide web!
