This entry contains a lot of discussion about medianity. If you need a refresher or to catch up on medianity or daemons or our system, here are some handy links.

Oh heck no.

Oh heck yes.

I am not talking about her. Makes me look like-

Like someone with DID?

…[original response redacted]

Dang. That’s. Wow. Maybe you do. What’s your problem with her, anyway?

I don’t have a problem with her I just. Ugh. Look. You know our system’s issues with littles.

You could start with what a little alter is, for our audience.

A little alter is an alter in a plural system who is young, say a small child, when the body’s chronological age is not that.

Some systems are organized around “Protect the Girl”

I mean, yes. Ours isn’t.

Not by chance.

By choice. Look. I had to grow up fast after a certain point. What more do you want from me?

Okay but E. isn’t even a child, for one.

13 is still a child.

Not for you it wasn’t.

No. I had to be an adult around that time.

Ouch. So, let me tell you what I think.

Do you have to?

No, but I will anyway. I think that E. represents the childhood you never got. She had a good but fractured early childhood, her life went to hell pretty early on though, and then she had to grow up real fast and it left scars. She’s still scarred at 19 because she had to be an adult at 13.

I haven’t played the sequel…

Oh that’s prescient.

Ugh. I just. Look I.

Not a fan of Protect the Girl?

I have been trying to! I have been trying to get back in touch with that part of myself. I have been trying to heal the parts of myself that are that age but. In all honestly, they scare me. Being a child scares me. I don’t associate children with, I couldn’t protect myself as a child. I couldn’t. I could as I got older, but even then. It wasn’t until I turned 18 that I really could protect myself in a way that mattered. And even then, mostly limited. If I wanted a do over, if I wanted to protect and heal a part of myself, it would be college age me. I’d want to go through college entirely out as the right gender, not coming out midway through. I’d want to stay with my mother, no father around. I’d want to see my sister not struggle with her own college experience. I’d want to not go through GamerGate in college. I’d want to have that textbook fairytale life. I’d want to discover my sexuality and spend long nights in the computer lab. I’d like to meet a beautiful lioness chick and end up moving in and having long passionate nights and romantic dinners and then proposing to her. I’d like to major in computer science and get a coding job. I’d like to have met Danielle in a period that wasn’t my entire life falling apart. I’d like to have met Liz at some tech function. I’d like Alpha to have never seen me like I was in 2017, and end up with her falling for me and me never having to wonder if part of it is pity. I’d like to heal that part of myself, and goddamnit I have.

I have moved past my past. I have made teenage!Me proud. I am out, I am open. I am me. Female, Foxy, Me. Nobody can take that away from me, and many have tried. I am self sufficient, I am a success. She would be proud of me. She is proud of me.

And yet, E. remains.

And yet. E. Remains. And I will take care of her as best as I can.

But you don’t like it.

I. That’s a fraught question. Littles deserve to be treated with as much respect and dignity as possible. They’ve gone through hell and they should be treated accordingly. They’re children. What kind of monster would be in any way cruel to a child?

And yet…

And yet /what/?

How do you think she’d feel if she read this.

That I would treat her respectfully.

Wrong. I think she’d feel unwanted.

Honestly, writing this you sound more like J.

That’s a low blow, Savannah.

Bite me.

No.

Good. Because I bite back.

I don’t talk to J.

I know you don’t talk to J.

I don’t like that he’s back.

I know you don’t. But he also represents a part of you.

What part is that?

The desire to protect yourself in a way that cuts you off from the outside world. Overprotectiveness. The desire to reclaim what’s lost, no matter the cost.

Is that something I-

What, why are you laughing?

I mean, your fiction writings regularly involve time travel and imagined hopeful futures where everything is perfect. Yeah. Come on. Come the hell on. Most people don’t go to college for what they want and they live with it. You’ve set a deadline and you’re way on the way. Come the hell on.

I don’t see how I can have a reasonable relationship with J. The man is impossible to get along with. He’s an asshole, a pedant, overbearing, overprotective, selfish, unreasonable.

All things you’ve been to yourself.

Point taken.

Point gained.

So how do we deal with E.?

Isn’t that what therapy is for tomorrow?

No, it’s what tonight is for.

Ugh. Look whatever she wants she gets.

Okay, yeah sure. Noble. Helping a kid achieve her dreams. Now do you care what those dreams are?

I. Yes.

What if they’re opposed to your dreams?

…They would be my dreams, we’re median.

Do you /really/ want to work in coding because it’s your dream job, or because it makes you feel worth something?

Oh this isn’t fair.

Answer me.

Sighs. Fine. In an ideal world I would enjoy working at a Zoo.

Mmm Hmmm.

But that doesn’t pay the-

Sighs.

Okay. Point taken.

Another point.

Okay. Yeah. So. It’s. You’re right. It’s not just enough to support her. I need to understand her. I need to love her.

You need to love yourself, yes. That’s what all of this is about.

Wait. Are you her daemon too?

Yup.

And you didn’t tell me? This whole time?

Nope.

Why?

Because you would have missed the point. You would have treated her well because of me, not because she’s you and you deserve to be treated well.

Ugh. Ugh ugh ugh. You’re right and I hate you for it.

Yes I am, and no you don’t.

What is it about being in touch with myself that’s so hard?

Because you’ve conditioned yourself not to treat yourself well?

I’ve worked a lot of that out.

Yeah, you have, and I’m proud of you. I’ve also seen you relapse.

Yeah.

Uh huh. So let’s talk about J.

Why are you doing alter mediation, did Ellen put you up to this?

Wait, /are you J.’s daemon too?!?/

Hah. No. That would be Cherry.

Oh god.

Right?

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — -

Some systems have multiple daemons. In our system, all daemons are more or less forms of Savannah because, median system. But some daemons are radically different interpretations of Savannah, such as Ellen’s Daemon or Cherry.

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

Anyway, you should have guessed. She is basically Connie. And I am Connie’s daemon as well.

Shoot. I should have guessed.

I….

I wish I could have had.

Oh. Gosh darnit. You’re making me think. I hate it when you make me think like this.

Let’s put J. on hold. Let’s talk about E. again, what would make you happy? What would make E. happy?

I.

It’s okay to be happy.

I would like to spend more time with my friends. More time with my family. I would like to spend more time doing things deliberately, and less time drifting through life. I’ve moved on, sure, I’m not stuck in the past like I once was. But I also, need to put roots down. And I’m not doing that because I’m afraid to. I’m afraid they’ll be torn up again.

Hey, it’s okay. I’m here for you. And I can help you with that, and I’m enormously proud of you.

I never want to stop hugging you.

Heh, I get that a lot.

Your fur, is so soft.

You know, I am a wolf.

You can’t bite me.

Hi E.

Hi Savannah.

Picture, a girl with medium length brown hair, battered and beaten but not broken, hugging tightly a very fluffy arctic wolf. She has a room, a place of her own. She makes the rules now. She has her own life now. It’s all hers. And she gets to decide what she does with it.

Fox and Wolf is an experiential journaling and blogging experience by Alexandria Christina Leal and company (The Unity System). Other entries can be navigated to via kitsune.gay

Normally, we give speeches, but during 2020 we decided to do something different and this blog was the result. Interested in learning more about our speeches and consulting? Visit https://www.binaryvixen.online/ on the world wide web!

She/They, NAS TSEng, UW Foster Alumna. Enby Femme 🦊 Shapeshifter — Trans — Feminist — Survivor. Opinions mine alone. 💜 Alpha, @lizthegrey, & more! Av @hibbary

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